Saturday, April 2, 2016

I'm aware of your hate.

It's yet another "autism awareness day". Or autism acceptance day if you run in my circles.

The rhetoric never gets better. We can tone it down taupe, red instead, light it up gold, burn it down beige all we want, but we don't control the narrative.

No matter where I turn this month, I am forced to be aware of one thing:

The well of your hate for me & mine is truly bottomless.

There's a slow trickle throughout the year. My Autistic siblings are murdered and the media reports naught but sympathy for the killers. Scary people are armchair diagnosed as sharing my neurotype, with no evidence but that you hate us all. People fundraise to get rid of us.

Epidemic. Emergency. Tsunami. Burden. National crisis. Tragedy.

Those words never stop echoing in my ears, not really, but I can pretend for whole hours at a time that you almost think I'm people, 11 months of the year.

But in April you won't give me that. It's 30 days of solid "we hate you. You should not exist."

It's not just the gush of threats of bodily harm. Those ebb more with current events than with the calendar, mostly. It's the 24 hours wall to wall endless rush of hate and resentment.

It's parents who admit to treating their kids worse than animals being treated as heroes.

It's people giving money to organizations that pay people to go on camera saying they want to drive kids off the bridge.

It's the endless barrage of people telling me  I don't know my experiences because of abilities they assume I have, damn the facts.

It's the other barrage of people telling me that my fear-driven anger with the narrative is unreasonable & a reason I'm too broken to live.

These same people are afraid of autism, but we may not be afraid of the consequences of their hate.

It's blue lights, because "blue is for boys and only boys have autism".

It's the legacy of little puzzle head.

It's the same fear based tactics since I was 16, & they get more frenetic rather than segueing to calming the hell down.

It's how calmly people tell me they don't blame my mom for her violence.

It's uncritical presentation of Indistinguishable from Peers as a good & damn the consequences.

It's the lauding of Good Autistics from rich white moderate backgrounds while ignoring or even taking steps to silence those of us born unrespectable.

It's the rain of infantiliaztion.

It's " do you want to donate money so we can prevent people like you from being born?"

It's the words that say more about you than about us:

Lacking empathy. Rigid. Unpredictable. Violent. In their own world. Perpetual child. Noncommunicative. Soulless. Stolen. Lost. Missing.

It's being reminded it's a tragedy that we have a normal life span. Except we don't. We die 30 years early. Even that is too long for you all.

Everywhere I look you remind me that you hate uhat you hate us. You want us gone. A word for the history books.

I'm aware of the meaning of 'awareness.' Are you?


Kayla-Rose said...

THANK YOU for posting this. It's exactly how I feel right now.

Christine Siemens Dever said...

I am married to an Aspie, have two Aspie daughters and an autistic step-son. I love them all. It is at times very challenging to live with them, and many times I don't understand them or what they're going through, but I have never wanted them dead, and don't know anyone who does. I have never seen this hatred you speak of. I do not understand where you (and other autistic people) get the idea that NTs hate them and want them dead. I wish I understood where all this anger comes from. What do we do that gives you the impression that we hate you?

Neurodivergent K said...

Unknown, go read your "awareness". Go read the disability day of mourning list. Go read the comments on the articles about our murders.

Y'all hate us. You go out of your way to make others hate us.

Do not come on my page to tell me I don't understand the pattern I see.

Annora said...

Where does it come from?

It comes from your direct actions. Where does it come from? It comes from autism speaks. Do you know what the cure is? The cure is preventing our birth and eugenics. That is where we see the hatred.

Cas said...

Unknown, you may have never seen this hatred because it's not being directed at you. It's directed at us: The Autistic adults who speak out against our mistreatment, and the autistic children who are murdered and/or abused by their parents or carers.

Google "disability day of mourning", read more on the blogs of Autistic bloggers. There is a lot of hatred and we feel it all.

SmackCrackNPop said...

Today was beyond shitty! Just went through the whole day praying for thermonuclear hellfire instead of having pride...

Unknown said...

Yeah, I only have to look at the fear and resentment and denial on my dear NT friends' faces when I even just tell them I'm on a waiting list for AS assessment, I only have to listen to their frantic scrabbling for "...but you can't be, because I once heard of someone who was, who wasn't entirely like you..." - and there it is.

Unknown said...

That really is sad, not all NTs are filled with hatred I guess the same way not every Autistic feels the way you do. My son is non verbal but very giggly and lovable. ..he is a ray of sunshine...when I think of helping him I dont wish him never born, I want to help him flourish ... I dont wish he wasnt autistic, because if he wasn't then maybe he would not be as awesome as he is. Understand that I for one an not trying to "do away" with autistic children but only trying to help improve the lives of those on the Spectrum. I will agree about the abuse. scares me every day to think someonee may hurt my son without me knowing it and we need to do more to protect and nurture the Autism community

Annora said...

Maybe not all but the overwhelming majority are.

Neurodivergent K said...

Someone needs to tell me what makes people think it's ok to come on here & say #NOTALLNTS?

Go collect your trash instead of whining at me about it. I have too many scars from you folks to qualify things the way you want. I wrote that post years ago.

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate because it happens every year and the barrage of hate does seem to never end and i'm CONSTANTLY reminded of the same things you listed as well as all the parental abuse that went on during my pre-teen years. Mind you it wasn't as bad as what you went through (i've read those posts) but it was verbal (it was my fault that i am autistic) and it's just really sad that even though over 20 years have passed since i was diagnosed, the only things that have changed are the names of the organizations that claim to represent us, heck even the puzzle piece is the samme ( which i will get into on my blog but that's another rant for another time! )

Unknown said...

Have you actually READ the A$ material? Poor sainted mum, yucky exhausting autie. Prevention! (prenatal testing/abortion)Cure!(torture, humiliation, denial of joy)Stop stimming now-never be embarrassed by her existence again! If you aren't divorced yet, he'll drive you to it soon! Contemplating murder is normal! That crap HURTS to read. It's disgusting. Do you make diabetic kids eat cake at parties so they'll"look normal?" Do you tell a Deaf child to do "quiet hands" so nobody will know she's Deaf?

Unknown said...

Hi. First off, this is a very powerfully written piece. I used to think people who fought against cures to autism were "crazy" but ever since I've been exposed to one dimensional mental "health" advocacy groups I've since thought differently. I've come to realize that many advocates across the board are fed up family members or caregivers who feel they have to do "something" even if that something is harmful.

That being said, I'm curious if you know of anyone on the spectrum that is so unhappy with being autistic that they would advocate for a "cure" if it was ever possible? I'm just curious because I've seen people who I've perceived to be very unhappy being autistic- or do you think they are unhappy because of a societal construct that does not work with them?

Cassi said...

Incredible post. Thanks for posting.

Cassi said...

Incredible post. Thanks for posting.

S Longmire said...

Annora, I hope you are wrong about the majority. In my experience the majority are ignorant and scared of anything or anyone different. I read this blog and did not like it. My experiences haven't been that extreme, but I fear enough for my grandson that he is schooled at home. I am also very clear that I love him exactly as he is.
I don't think majority really want autistics dead, but I will definitely agree that they do seem to think we are the ones who should change and try to act NT. That angers me at times and saddens me too. I do have hope that things will improve, but I also know that social changes usually take a long time. It is hard to educate the ignorant when they don't want to learn.

Mitchell said...

"It's the other barrage of people telling me that my fear-driven anger with the narrative is unreasonable & a reason I'm too broken to live." - K

"I wish I understood where all this anger comes from." - Unknown

That is all.

Katie said...

My son would do anything to not feel the way he feels, to feel lost, hopeless, enraged, so smart yet have such a hard time in school, want to interact with others but others not want to be with him, for him not to want to hurt himself or his family or scare his little brother. He would do anything. So please speak for yourself because not all autistic individuals like being that way.

Katie said...

My son hates it!! He thinks he did something wrong and is being punished.

Neurodivergent K said...

Gosh, Katie, I'm sorry your son is being given the message that who he is is wrong. Sounds like he is aware of your hate too.

Katie said...

Neuro divergent.... He has been nothing but loved and supported I guess your rigid thinks ng is not letting you see another autistic persons point of view. He has tried to kill himself to end his suffering many times. It sounds like you were not loved and supported and I'm sorry for that.

Radioactive said...

@Katie have you ever considered that your son's suicide attempt might have more to do with ableism from allistics and how he's treated for being autistic, rather than the fact that he actually is autistic?

If you actually gave a shit about any of us, you wouldn't fight autism. You would fight ableism.

Neurodivergent K said...

Wow, Katie, you sure got me. I wasn't supported. What a shitty person I must have been.

Wait. That isn't how it works at all. My parents are shitty people. You are a shitty person for thinking that reflects badly on me.

Your kid got the message somewhere that he is not loved and supported and that who he is is wrong. Your comments here make me think you are part of that. If you aren't, you have some tracking people down to do instead of telling abuse survivors that their abusers existing reflects badly on them.

Check yourself, ableist lady.

Unknown said...

I can't thank you enough for writing this. Thank you, and thank you for dealing with the ableists.

Catherine said...

I don't hate you. I'm sorry about your experience.

Unknown said...

@Katie I wonder how your son would feel, if the world were Autistic, but he were neurotypical... and that that was the minority? Probably the same.

Neurodivergent K said...

Chris Garrison, who has tried to comment 7 times but is in moderation because this is more than 14 days old:

what you say you see is...not at all what is there.

You say you don't see things that happened in this very thread. Neato! That's not it not being there, that's you failing at seeing it. And that's willful, at this point.

I've got scars from you people. Actual, physical scars. You don't get to tell me that's not real or misreading or anything. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO MISCONSTRUE A GODDAMN KNIFE.

Unknown said...

I didn't hold that knife. That's not me. Your had horrible parents I get that but that's not all nt ppl

Neurodivergent K said...

I let that through SOLELY so people can rip you "not all X" face off, k?

Congrats. You haven't stabbed anyone.

You have come into my space and been a self righteous gas lighting asshat.


Also, YES all parents who are not actively purging that shit from their spaces instead of whining about how THEY didn't do it.

The hate is everywhere. You're part of it until you choose to not be part of it.

You are unwelcome here until you bring some 101 level understanding and probably an apology for spamming my inbox with gas lighting.

Cas said...

Chris Garrison:

Did it say somewhere in this post that you did hold the knife? Did it say this post was about you?

Did it even say that it was about all parents? If you haven't yet learned that there are many, many non-autistic parents who treat us badly (either our own parents or the parents of other autistic people), then you have a lot to learn.

I would suggest reading more first, and then figuring out what you can do to stop the people in your group doing the things they do, and then maybe you won't see posts like this where you feel the need to state #notall.

Lei said...

Maybe instead of not all parent-ing all over the place, you can all recognize that this is a LOT of parents. If it isn't you, then what are you doing to make sure that somebody else's parents aren't getting away with doing this to their autistic kids? But if you come here to defend "awareness" and gaslight autistic people, then guess what? YOU ARE THOSE PARENTS TOO.

Anonymous said...

"Not all nt ppl" is irrelevant because structural oppression isn't about individual actions. Also, this post isn't just about K's shitty as fuck parents. They weren't the ones holding the knife and they aren't the ones operating the Judge Rotenberg Centre or the ones publishing papers about how presuming competence is unscientific. This isn't a fucking isolated incident.

Anonymous said...

Chris Garrison, I have never ever been in a parent space that was safe for autistic people. I have never been in a parent space where I didn't hear someone talk about what a burden we are, about how horrible it is to be the parent of an autistic child, most of the time in front of said child, and I front of autistic adults.

Good for you - you don't physically threaten autistic people. Fantastic. But what are you doing about parents in your community who complain about how hard it is to raise an autistic child? How much of that goes completely unchecked - by you?

I bet it's a lot.

Unknown said...

Chris, it is *enough* NT people that dealing with their hatred and ableism is a daily thing.
And enough that assaults, outright murders, and abuse are large and inevitable threats, so.

You may not have held the knife, but you are working awfully hard to make sure no one can take it out of the next abuser's hand.

Unknown said...

I'm here to try to figure out what not to do so I can be a great parent. As the parent of an autistic daughter I dont have time or energy to police other parents. If I see someone doing bad I work call it but seriously what am I looking for? The obvious is neglect or harm those things everyone can see and I would hope they would turn them in so what is it I'm not seeing that's so horrible? Parents wanting to kill their kids because they're autistic?? That's for real?

Cas said...

"Parents wanting to kill their kids because they're autistic?? That's for real?"

Is that a joke?

Because not only do parents want to kill their kids because they're autistic, but they have actually done so! More than one parent has killed, or has attempted to kill, their autistic child.

In fact, a parent has killed their kid because they thought that they might be autistic.

Anonymous said...

Chris Garrison,

Somehow I still allow it to surprise me when someone still "not all X" anything.
You do understand that is literally never the correct answer, right?
You also understand, that your name never appeared here until you added it, right?

But hey since you're so sure that absolutely nothing here applies to you, then you must actually be fighting for my rights... so how about you regale me of all your personal stories about how you've actually done jack shit to fight any of the fucked up things listed in this post so that I can thank you?

Dani Alexis said...

Not only did Kelli Stapleton try to kill her autistic daughter, she got her very own episode of Dr. Phil for doing it. Dr. Phil let her get away with telling an audience of millions that she was looking forward to prison because it was better than raising an autistic child.

Jillian McCabe not only threw her six year old son off a bridge, she Googled other parents who had done the same thing to their disabled kids, so she could plan her defense.

Before you ask: Yes, Stapleton and McCabe are unusual. But not for the reason you think.

They aren't unusual because they killed or tried to kill their kids. They're unusual because they are both doing prison time for it. Our murderers are acquitted far more often than they are convicted.

Allison Tepper Singer is featured in an Autism Speaks PSA telling the world that the only reason she *hasn't* thrown her autistic daughter off a bridge is that she wants to be around for her non-autistic daughter. She told THE ENTIRE WORLD that she believes her non-autistic daughter deserves a good life with a loving mother, but her autistic daughter does not. Autism Speaks - the nonprofit that claims to be helping us - used its multimillion-dollar marketing budget and international presence to spread that message.

Chris, if you're not horrified by now, you should be. And if you ARE horrified, then start reading the work of those of us who survived to adulthood. Find out how we did it. Before someone decides YOUR kid's life isn't worth living.

I want your kid to live. Lots of people do not. Which side are you on?

Neurodivergent K said...

Another whiny mother who takes general criticism as personal is also stuck in moderation. I fear for your kids.

Unknown said...

To my dying day my daughter will be protected. She will live to adulthood. I guess I've never seen these things because I'm so consumed with her care and making a better life for her. Those ppl aren't the jorm. It's sick. I can't wrap my mind around the horror. I'm sorry that some ppl are like this. I'm seriously shocked.

Neurodivergent K said...

Okay but where's your apology for spamming me with gas lighting? Do you tell your child that because you don't see something it doesn't real?

I'm serious. you screwed up. You came into my space & engaged in a shit awful tactic after making something about you that wasn't about you (or is it? You took it awfully personally). That's the kind of thing decent people apologize for rather than trying to convince people that terrible things don't happen.

The part of an apology are:
-expression of regret
-expressing exactly what you regret
-the words "i'm sorry"
-what are you doing to make it better?
-stopping doing the thing you're apologizing for.

Unknown said...

I'm not the one doing the wrong. My child has a great life. To the extent that I can tell that. She's non verbal and I try to know but I have no way of absolutely knowing and yes there is guilt involved with that. She's my child and I would love for her to able to speak to me and tell me what I'm doing wrong and right for that matter. I take it personally because I am a caring mother and want to do the best I can. I have no absolute way of measuring my ability. I assume I'm doing well because she's a happy girl. I was given a link to you're blog by an autistic adult friend. I found it interesting. Insightful maybe even helpful. But to attack me for the wrong doings of others no I will not apologize for them.
I'm not trying to convince you terrible doesn't exist I know it does for a fact. But with that said horrible isn't every person that's not like you. There are ppl in your side. Ppl that care and want greatness for you.

Neurodivergent K said...

You're harboring terrible.

You are also


to my space

to tell me

reality isn't real.

That is unacceptable. Someone is going to treat your kid like this some day, & you are setting that example. not to mention the cowardice of not calling out other parents, as already addressed.

I know you aren't sorry for gas lighting, because #yesallparents.

Suriyel Dagger said...

I give it a 7.5:

You managed to not apologize for your fracked up comments, address an adult in a tone generally reserved for children, and imply that only non-autistics are people in one fell swoop.

:: slow clap ::

Adventures of the Chronically Ill said...


You do owe an apology.

You came into a Sacred Safe space, and pulled the equivalent of #NotAllWhitePeople

I am the mother of an incredible child on the spectrum. The only reason I haven't completely screwed up, is because I spent 15 years before he was born fighting racism and misogyny. Recognizing ableism wasn't a huge stretch.

Learning to thank people when they trust me enough to point out my privilege is the most important lesson I have mastered.

Accepting that my son is ND, and that is kind of like a different language /culture and it is my *responsibility* to learn his language and culture?


He is constantly teaching me new ways to see things. I strive to earn his respect, daily. So I call out violations of basic human decency, like parents who berate their ND kids...or therapists who take the approach that ND kids need to be "fixed" or school officials who intimidate children or other parents.

Or people on social media who are blind to their own privilege.

This is Sacred Space.

Instead of pulling the ultimate privilege bingo card, would you be willing to start over, and thank everyone for allowing you in this Sacred Space?

I have found that if I feel my body getting defensive, the simple act of giving thanks allows me to see the bigger picture in better clarity.

It also helps me to hear the lesson.

Anonymous said...

the backlash against autistic children AND adults today that's perpetuated by the "media" in the US is offensive and fucking UNACCEPTABLE in my eyes and i CANNOT stand idly by and watch as my autistic brothers and sisters pay the price!

Anonymous said...

So often, I just want to curl up, and just give up. I really wish I could live somewhere where "autism acceptance" is more than just an alliteration. It was actual reality. Thanks for that.