Sunday, September 18, 2011

Existential Guilt.

This is a world that would rather I weren't in it. That's a thing I and many like me fight every day-the pervasive feeling of being reviled and unwanted, infringing on everyone else's wish for a normal, uncomplicated little life where everyone and everything makes sense.

I try to not let it bother me too much, but sometimes it does. Like right now. Right now I feel as guilty for existing and subjecting other people to me as I imagine people who accidentally run over their children's pets in the driveway do.

There's just a lot of stuff that pours into that, you know? There's this ever present narrative that people with brains like mine don't deserve to exist. There's the deficit model of pretty much everything. There's all the everything about how hard it is to know or like or love or be friends with or consider human someone of my neurotype.

Then I go climbing, or try to, and they won't change the music to something that isn't seizuregenic. Hell, they don't even understand why I asked, or why when they made it out to be the HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD to change the Pandora station to "not electronic techno whatever the hell this is" I wanted my money back.

So it was a bad day and then we're in a car crash that was totally not my friend's fault in any way and it turns out my steroid injection is expired and no one at OHSU understands that even minor car accident + inadequate steroid cover = pretty big deal. And I sit in the ER waiting room in a cervical collar for 3 fucking hours, my pulse hovering between 46 and 52. And then they look at me and with my vitals in this whole BARELY ABOVE DEAD range and still argue about whether or not they should do more steroid cover.

Yeah, jackasses, someone with documented adrenal insufficiency is presenting in your ER after an injury (not a broken anything, but I TOLD YOU THAT MYSELF) with dizziness, low blood pressure, alarm-ringing-low pulse, nausea, etc and you decide to get in a power struggle about what to do about it? The only thing that would have made that better would have been if you'd offered me a medication I was allergic to.

Oh wait. You did. Because people like me aren't even worth the time it takes to review a chart.

So not only does society at large not want me to exist, but the people who are paid to see to it that I don't die are more concerned with being right than anything else.

And my back hurts. And I feel bad about my back hurting. How dare my back hurt, when I am so many other kinds of shitty to have to interact with any way? Who the hell do I think I am, to think that I'm allowed to feel bad and feel postictal and not want to die in the ER?

So you throw all that together, along with the knowledge that the failure of rock climbing + the car accident and subsequent ER visit totally fucked up my friend's day, and I feel like shit at the bottom of the ocean just for existing.

I keep seeing and hearing and being told that it's irrational and unacceptable for me to demand or ask for or even suggest that maybe something could kind of be not a big battle for me. But no. How dare I exist, how dare I think I'm human, even a little? Who the fuck am I to have needs and wants and try to get them taken care of?

So yeah. I feel inordinately irrationally guilty just for existing. Hope the autism tragedy complex is pleased.


Anonymous said...

I really like this post. I have a severe case of existential guilt, I did spend most of my life believing I didn't deserve to be here, I am just now trying to think that is not true.

Neurodivergent K said...

You deserve to be here.

I deserve to be here (if I keep saying it, I'll believe it, right?)

We all deserve to be here.

And that is my mantra.

Anonymous said...

Oh man I totally feel how you feel. My mother is always going on about how she didnt wish this life for her. And that she doesnt want to be with my Father and such.

She had me when she was 19 and so they were young and confused. So they married from what i can only assume was because of me.

My mum complains about how she had a chance to be with someone better and that she hates her life. All these things remind me that i wasnt just a mistake made by two stupid teenagers. But that i was a catastrophe in her life, a catalyst that brought her into this life of mediocrity. I was the glue that i assume held her and my dad together all this time. And they're together and unhappy and its all my fault.

Maybe if i wasnt born she would have gone to university, married someone rich and kind, been like all her other friends who have men who have tonnes of money and run businesses.

Well im sorry i had to ruined everything.

I really liked your post. I can totally relate. Every time im not perfect i remind myself that im nothing but a burden. And i try so hard for her. I've always had straight As, I was always valedictorian, Ive just graduated university with near top marks, but that will never be good enough. Not for them not for anyone, not for myself.