Sunday, August 27, 2017

"No one will be here for my child when I die"...well why is that?

If you want to lecture me on notallparents this is not the time or place. Yes, every parent who was sending my friend unsolicited PMs that were really vile. Yes, every parent who knew about that but elected to yell at autistic people instead. Yes, every parent who is friends with parents who behave these ways. Yes, every parent who buys into these ideas. If you feel attacked that's a you problem, for you to solve. Taking out your bad feels on me proves my point better than any words I can use do. So don't live down to expectations, just this once.

We're going to talk about a justification parents give today for basically every awful and questionable thing they do to their child, and to those around their child:

"No one will be here for my child when I die."

That is not an unfounded fear. You're probably right. No one will. Or very few people will.

Now you're going to get uncomfortable folks. We're going to talk about why that is. Spoiler: it's largely your fault. You engage every day in actions and attitudes and behaviors that are going to fuck over your child years down the line.

Let's start with the ButtServices!!! argument. Y'all say and do all sorts of things, many of them cruel, and blame your lack of services. You fight for services "for families". Ultimately, the fight is constantly for services that benefit the parent, that make their lives easier. Don't look at me like that. You're the ones saying that you don't get services or that families need more services. You are the ones centering yourselves in the fight for services.

So what that means is? Your child turns 18 or 21 and no longer has services! Because they were all about you! This whole time they were all about you! Adults are well and truly fucked in the developmental disability system because everything is geared at making the lives of the Real People around us easier. Disabled adults don't get much at all. Too much is parent centered. There are agencies that allegedly provide services through the lifespan that will only interface with parents. It's true!

So that's a thing to be proud of I guess. You've built a self fulfilling prophecy where services are concerned. Your child won't be able to access them without you, you're absolutely right, because that's how you & your cohort want it. That's how you fight for it. You don't get to tell me that's not what you want until you start fighting for disabled people, not "families touched by disability", to get services.

I'm not holding my breath on that one. I can't get most of you to understand that we grow up.

(A moment here for a shoutout for those of you who sincerely told me that we're all someone's child with autism  & our parents always fight for us. And by shoutout I mean 'fuck you'. My parents never fought for me. They fought with me. Physically. To injury. So fuck you again!)

Then there's how you take the responsibility of modeling how people should interact with your child when they are an adult. People who aren't autistic and don't have autistic family members (and can't conceive of having autistic friends) are looking at you, yes you, for how to treat your child when they grow up.

They're looking at how you treat us, adults who are currently autistic.

Think real hard about how you treat autistic adults. Really hard. I've gotten death threats from parents. This isn't uncommon. Many of us get missives telling us explicitly to kill ourselves, again from parents. When we tell you about this, you go on to lecture us about 'judging you' (I'm getting back to this in a few paragraphs) and ignore that your cohort, yes yours, they are in fact your responsibility, treat us this way.

Y'all can claim to love your kid all day long but if this is how you want them to be treated, I question that claim. If this is not how you want them to be treated, why the blazing fuck do you treat us that way?

Out of one corner of the mouth "How dare you distrust me because of what your parents are like" and out of the other "here, let's see if I can break you in ways your parents didn't get to before you left". That's y'all.

Precious few neurotypical people are going to be there for your kid because not only did you center yourself in services, but also you demonstrated that you want Real People (TM) to treat your child like utter shit. "Do as I say not as I do" isn't a solid teaching strategy and you don't even  bother to pretend you don't want us constantly abused by you and yours.

Then there's us. Autistic people. Autistic people provide most of the day to day support for other Autistic people, since as already discussed no one else does it. Services are for parents, and our parents make it very clear that we can be scraped off the bottom of your shoe and discarded.

We try to talk to you. You see, we're largely pretty fucked up. We don't have to be fucked up. But we are, between the compliance training and the bullying and the decades of misunderstanding. We want better for your children, & we see you making the same errors. Maybe you aren't making an error on purpose?


Ok maybe you are making that error on purpose. See, that's a very you-centered perspective to take. (I have another post percolating on judging, since the high horse of nonjudgement has led to y'all being complacent in multiple murders, but since autism is all about you it's clear that isn't your priority).

We try to help you. We try and try. You send us missives encouraging us to kill ourselves. You threaten me in truly creative ways. Imagine if you spent half that creative energy on figuring out how to not treat people like shit! But I digress.

We try and try, but we are not impervious to your abuse. We want nothing to do with you. Our circles don't overlap. You scare off, beat off, torment off every autistic person and autistic friendly person in your orbit, until when you die your child is surrounded by people who hate them.

You're right! No one will be there for your child! You've isolated them from their subculture, you've taught every neurotypical to treat them like shit because that's what autistic adults are for, and you've made sure all services are accessible only by you, not by your child.

So you're not wrong in the words but you are wrong in every thing that matters. Only you can fix this, you've made very certain no one gives a shit what autistic adults say.

But that would involve decentering yourself, & you'd probably rather whine about your child's future than actually allow them to have one.


Unknown said...

YES! What you write of is absolute truth. In my short time blogging and speaking openly about being autistic I have received death threats and condemnation. THIS!

Unknown said...

I'm newly diagnosed and I didn't know there's so much hostility towards autistic adults. This is terrible. I've gotten the impression very quickly that a lot of things to do with autism centres around the parents. It's like they're a bunch of martyrs who are constantly looking for sympathy. I'm a parent, myself. I can't find community with most other parents and I certainly don't find anything appealing about autism moms. They don't know what it's like to actually be autistic and I take it most of them don't listen to their children. It's disappointing to know that this happens. I haven't received death threats, but I've been dismissed, questioned and trolled.

Chickenpig said...

Just in case there are people reading this that are going "There are no services", There is a great one called the ARC that helps with young adults transitioning to adulthood, employment, and with life coaches for those that need assistance. I don't know if they operate everywhere, but they are a great organization.

Unknown said...

*offers single spoon*

I know it's not much, but you can have it

also, please keep up the good work that you do for the people

~ Ellelarondelle aka Cinnamon_Digory