What to say, and not say, to an autistic adult

I borrowed this concept from Stark Raving Mad Mommy. I assumed she wouldn't mind too much. Hers is way funnier than mine.

DON'T SAY: "I never would have known. You must be very high functioning."

SAY: "I obviously don't know anything about autism."


DON'T SAY: "Are you sure?"

SAY: "I obviously really don't know anything about autism."


DON'T SAY: "Isn't that, you know, a kid thing?"

SAY: "Damn, the media works hard to erase you. That sucks."


DON'T SAY: "Don't you get that from vaccines?"

SAY: "I almost just asked you a preposterous question. Clearly, I suck."


DON'T SAY: "You aren't like my 5 year old nephew! You aren't autistic!"

SAY: "The media has so effectively erased you that it didn't occur to me that you grow up. I suck."


DON'T SAY: "You are nothing like my child! You aren't really autistic!"

SAY: "I am bitter and angry and it isn't your fault, so I'm going over there."


DON'T SAY: "Isn't neurodiversity, like, an exclusive club for Aspies and high functioning autistics?"

SAY: "I may misunderstand neurodiversity. Care to explain?"


DON'T SAY: "If you can 'advocate' so much, you aren't really autistic."

SAY: "I'm glad people are fighting the good fight so my kid may not have to."


DON'T SAY: "If my kid could do what you do, I'd consider her recovered."

SAY: "I wonder what my child will be like as an adult."


DON'T SAY: "That parent is just frustrated, they don't mean to be hateful. Have some empathy!"

SAY: "Wow, that was really rude of them. Are you ok?"


DON'T SAY: "They aren't ableist, they just don't understand! The unfamiliar scares people!"

SAY: "What an ableist turdbucket. Ew."


DON'T SAY: "If everyone treats you like that, you're used to it, right? Business as usual."

SAY: "People suck. I understand why you're often angry and frustrated."


DON'T SAY: "Why do you hate parents?"

SAY: "That shit irritates me too."


DON'T SAY: "But not all parents are like that!"

SAY: If you're doing it right, you shouldn't have to say anything. It should be apparent.


DON'T SAY: "Oh my god that must be soooooooooo haaaaaaaaaaard."

SAY: "I just noticed how loud and bright it is in here. Can I fix that?"


DON'T SAY: "Look at me. LOOK at ME."

SAY: "Based on what I just almost said, I have a deathwish."


DON'T SAY: "Doesn't eating a food and deliciousness free diet fix that?"

SAY: "Pizza, burgers, or burritos?"


DON'T SAY: "That sound/light/smell/random touching wasn't that bad. Just relax."

SAY: "There's a quiet dark place over there. Do you want company or want to be alone?"


DON'T SAY: "Aren't you worried about passing that on to kids?"

SAY: Don't say anything. My hypothetical future kids are none of your damn business.


DON'T SAY: "What was your first period/bra/sexual encounter/significant other drama/accidental innuendo/intentional innuendo like for you?"

SAY: Again, keep your mouth shut. This is even less of your damn business.


DON'T SAY: "Your parents did a really great job! You're so high functioning!"

SAY: "You are pretty fantastic."


DON'T SAY: "Autism is such a tragedy. Don't you hope they cure it soon so you can be normal?"

SAY: "Eliminating you would be a tragedy."

"What Would Meeting You Halfway Be?"

My friend asked me this after class with an "aware" teacher. And I was flabbergasted.

I have no answer to that question. I don't even have the shape of an answer, much less words, a description.

Meeting us halfway just isn't done. No one considers it as an option. It's a tidbit of ableism that is so entrenched that I never considered it; autistics do all the work is just how it is. We give 95%, everyone else complains about the 3% they grudgingly give & then they demand that we meet them halfway-because 97% is the new half.

It never occurred to me that they are fully capable of giving more. I don't know why, just that they don't. A communication problem must have at least 2 sides, yet "I have a communication disorder, so this is my problem" is the way it is. It's how it has always been. It's how things will continue to be for the forseeable future.

I still don't have an answer to my friend's query. I guess part of meeting me halfway would be ditching preconcieved notions that I can (or cannot) do something based on my skill-or lack thereof-in another area. Part is not assuming or using communication between the lines. Take stims as they are. Take me as I am-everything I do has a reason, but fretting about that odd thing I do isn't meeting me halfway; it is othering. Don't other me.

But really, I do not have an answer. I could not tell anyone how to meet me truly in the middle. I don't know what it feels like. If it's like my social experiences at conferences, it's both a freeing level of acceptance and something the NT majority will never achieve in my lifetime. It's not something they can or will do.

I don't know where halfway is, and I quite likely never will. There, I guess, is the answer.

Thoughts for Budding Advocates

I've been around advocacy for a while-long enough that I'm baffled that people don't know what neurodiversity is & can't believe that people don't know why r*tarded is offensive, but not so long that I really expect to be 'known'. I've been called a firecracker, a force of nature, & the irresistible force meeting an immovable object-those are my qualifications to write on the matter.

This is directed at those of you who are just finding a passion & something worth speaking out about.

Know that it isn't always easy. Know that it gets harder before it gets easier, & that's not necessarily change, but you getting used to the work.

Know that people tend to hold to their prejudices. They may not take kindly to their behavior being called out. It's up to you whether or not that's a part of the battle you wish to take on-I do, but I'm not going to think less of you if it's not something you're taking on at this time. Do what you can do, y'know?

Know that as you get involved in causes-particularly social justice sorts of causes-you'll pick up on more things as unjust. You can try to save the world, but you'll burn out. We all do what we can, right?

Don't be afraid to get angry. Effective activism and polite activism are mutually exclusive. Harness your anger for what you are trying to accomplish. It's ok to offend people sometimes--they can't be offended if they aren't listening.

If you need to take a break, do it. This isn't always an easy thing, activism. That's why it's best to do what you really mean, what you really believe in.

Other people are fighting your fight too. They're your allies. They may not be your friends, but they are on your side.

Good luck changing the world, even a little.

To the Newly Diagnosed (Especially Teens & Adults)

So you just found out you're autistic. You've been living your life wondering why you have such a hard time with things other people find effortless, why you notice things others do not, why you feel out of step with most of your peers.

And you hear the answer is autism. And the mix of emotions that goes with it is confusing-relief, fear, denial, acceptance, a thousand things.

Welcome, and Congratulations.

Welcome to a community that takes care of its own. Welcome to a community of people who get it. Welcome to a community where being unusual is acceptable, where we know that your difficulties in 'easy' tasks are not a moral failing, where we know that your strengths don't negate those difficulties. We have drama and personality conflicts, as do all communities, but we also have a lot to offer each other.

Congratulations on getting an answer. Congratulations on being an individual. Congratulations on being you-you're probably pretty fantastic.

Some advice, whether you want it or not:

-Be yourself. To hell with anyone who thinks that who you are isn't ok. At the end of the day, you are the one who has to live with you. Trying to put up a normal facade day after day is unsustainable.

-Take care of yourself. It's ok to excuse yourself from situations that are overwhelming or painfully difficult. It's you who has to live in your skin and your brain, not anyone who tries to give you crap for it.

-Don't let anyone make you think you are broken. You aren't. Different, yes, but faulty? Nope. Having difficulties isn't the same as being fundamentally broken.

-As a corollary, don't go chasing every so-called cure that comes out. They are usually scientifically bassackwards, usually expensive, and often harmful to your vital organs.

-DO get any therapy that may be helpful. Anxiety is crappy. Sensory issues are crappy. Insomnia is crappy.

-If you have health issues, take care of them, but don't expect that to cure your autism. It won't, but it's a lot easier to function in this alien world if you aren't also sick.

-Seek out our kind. There's nothing like being in a place where everyone speaks the same dialect. It's beautiful. You need to experience the ease of relating to people who grok.

-Non autistic people sometimes get it, too. They're good people to get to know.

-Accept yourself as you are. Strive to be the best you that you can be. Always.

With open arms,

Neurodivergent K.