A common theme of my youth was that I was worth less if I didn't have friends and a social life. Another prominent idea was that no matter what, if people didn't like me, it was my fault and my responsibility to change that. Having an opinion on what I'd like or not like to do or expressing discomfort with someone or something was being "bossy" or "too demanding" or "high maintenance", and none of these things are ok to be.
So I was this kid who was told that social approval defined my worth, and who was told that if I in any way challenged what my social peers decided to do I was screwing that up. Basically the message I got, both directly and indirectly, was that people were doing me a favor by tolerating my presence at all, so I should shut the hell up and be grateful and go along with whatever.
Ask me if I think my worth is determined by social approval and I'll say hell no, because it isn't and never was. If people don't like me is it my fault? Well, maybe, but that's their loss now isn't it?
But some of that toxic stuff internalized. I know in my head that people aren't doing me a favor hanging out with me, but that doesn't mean I really know it. I rarely feel comfortable asking for a plan change, and while I call out ableism frequently, I don't feel allowed to be as intense about it as I should if it's consistent and consistently minimized. If someone's behavior is unacceptable to me, I'm more likely to remove myself then request or demand a change, even if I know and like everyone else there. They may be my friends, but I "know" that I'm not allowed to be uncomfortable and ask to have that discomfort remedied, because I "know" they only put up with me as charity or something.
That is some messed up toxic shit, and I learned it from people who supposedly wanted the best for me. I'm an adult and I've been demanding to be seen as a whole, worthwhile, unbroken human being for nearly half my life, yet I still can't totally shake this crap. I know it's bullshit. I know I have the same right to express my needs in a social setting as everyone else.
But that knowing doesn't suck the poison out, now does it?