The words said for George.

My angry post was for me. Not for anyone else.

But this was what I wrote for George. It is, after all, about him. Kathryn Hedges graciously read it for me at the vigil in California:

I hate writing for murdered people. It does no good. They're still dead, and people always try to make what I say all about themselves & then they get all mad and hateful at me. But it isn't about them. And it isn't about me, either. It's about the person who is dead but shouldn't be.

This time, it's about George, a pleasant 22 year old man who will never see 23. Before George, it was Katie. It was Christopher. It was Ulysses. It was 100s of autistics before them, know and unknown to me.

These murders are not mercy killings. They are murders, and I am 100% confident in saying that no parent who truly loves their child can kill them. Love does not work that way.

Those of you who are not autistic may be inclined to sympathize with George's murderer. Maybe what you know about autism is tragedy-and-terror style awareness, all about devastation and loss. Maybe you know her, maybe you liked her. Maybe she was your neighbour. Maybe you can't wrap your head around the reality that you had coffee with a murderer. Maybe trying to find mitigating factors makes it easier to integrate that you know someone who killed her son.

Those of you who are autistic are probably feeling more like what I feel-saddened that yet another of our number was killed. Maybe, like me, you are disgusted at the race to exonerate the murderer in the media. And, if you are like me, you are terrified that everyone is blaming lack of services, stress, everything but “HIS MOTHER SHOT HIM” for George's death.

I hate writing for murdered people. Again and again and again I have to defend the very right of the victim to be treated as a human being in all reports, for his very personhood and the personhood of myself and those I hold dear. This stuff shouldn't need saying. My outrage should be the norm, not the exception.

The tragedy here is not autism. The tragedy here is that George, like countless autistics before him, was murdered. The tragedy is that people feel more for his killer than they do for him.

You keep killing us, and I am PISSED.

Allow me my rage a moment. If you can't handle a disclaimer free post in which I tell you that my rage doesn't apply to you, if you need handholding and cuddles, go find a different post. This one is not for you.

I fucking hate autism parents, I fucking hate autism professionals, and I fucking hate every media outlet that provides them a platform for their dehumanizing tales of self-pity and woe.

I don't give a flying fuck how different your kid is from what you wanted. The kid you have didn't steal your dreambaby in the night to make you miserable. The kid you have is yours, a real person, not just a pile of deficits and fuel for your cries of poor me.

Your moaning and dehumanizing has consequences. Your pity parties legitimize murder, forfuckssake. Every time you people go tell a reporter that your child is a curse, you totes understand why people snap and murder their autistic family members, you are adding to a culture that devalues our lives and denies our humanity. You are contributing to a society where you are a martyr when you kill one of us.

In what universe is that acceptable?

And shame-no, I need a stronger word but I do not know one-shame on each and every reporter who pitches a pity and woe story, shame on every editor that salivates over it, and shame on every godsdamned news outlet that publishes it. You fuckers are partially culpable in every murder of an autistic since "autism" was a word people know. You fuckers are the reasons that our dead never see justice. You are fucking scum. You spread horror and despondency about our lives, and you make our murderers out to be the good guys. People are not supposed to sympathize with murderers! You are sacks of shit because you convince them to go against thousands of years of evolution and do so. You convince them that empathizing with our killers is the right thing to do. How do you fuckers even live with yourselves?

You are why I am so angry. If you people, people who have a responsibility to us and to accuracy, cannot even manage to not paint us as less-than, cannot manage to scrape together enough collective decency to say "that shit is not ok" when one of us is murdered, what the fuck can I expect from the rest of the world? If you are going to glorify our abusers and murderers, the only healthy response for me is wrath. I have to be angry, enraged, because you won't do it. My people are being slaughtered. Anger and hate is how people are supposed to respond to that.

I hate because my wrath and disgust is long overdue, and nowhere near as strong as you deserve.

A Friend of a Friend Values Disabled Lives

Ok. So.

A friend of mine has a friend. Well, more than one friend I'm sure.

Anyway. This friend of my friend and her husband wish to adopt 2 little girls with Down Syndrome from Eastern Europe. They are choosing, selecting, to embrace two children with disabilities. Given how society talks about disability, that's kind of awesome.

Where these girls were born, disabled lives are apparently less valued than here. At around age 5, disabled orphans are put in institutions.

Not cool.

International adoption (and I know, there are issues with international adoption. In my humble opinion there are bigger issues with institutionalization) is expensive. This is where you come in.

Assuming this link works, there's a dream funding sort of contest here: American Family Insurance Dream Contest thingy
The website is absolutely awful in terms of navigation, and it does require registration, which is a pain too. So if it gives you something ridiculous (the box was in the lower left corner for me), it's Jennifer W. of Oregon under the family category. If you can gather the spoons to vote...2 more kids with disabilities will have a loving home.

I'm not just activism

How to provoke a full scale meltdown while trying to do the opposite:

Bring up my activism, especially as it relates to a kid I actually know, when I am already upset or feeling insecure or unvalued for whatever reason.

Wait, what? Activism is important and awesome!

I never said it isn't. But doing activism sucks. It is difficult. It is unpleasant. People say truly abominable things to me and about me, they lie about me, they attack people I care about deeply, they physically threaten (or occasionally attack) me. It never ends. There's always a battle, it is always uphill, it always sucks. Activism forces me to use skills I am not actually good at to try to get society to do things people don't want to do because in their eyes I and people like me don't deserve them.

Activism drains me. But I do it anyway, because I feel a deep responsibility to the neurodivergent kids I know, and the ones I don't know. It is my job to help people like me build a world that doesn't attack us for existing. If I don't fight a lot of these fights, no one else will, and then I have failed people who are going to have their own shit to work through. That sucks.

The bad thing about accomplishing things in something as unforgiving as activism is that no matter what, you're expected to keep going, and it sucks. The bad thing about accomplishing things in regards to activism is that keeping going becomes your only value.

I do more than activism, though. I am more than activism. But that doesn't mean I am valued as more than an activist. Sometimes I wish more than anything I could quit, but I know, just know, that the only reason people tolerate my presence on this planet is that I get shit done. If I am no longer useful, I no longer matter. No matter how thoroughly exhausted I am with everything, if I don't keep going, don't keep fighting, my existence no longer has meaning, I no longer have meaning, there is no point to the continued existence of Neurodivergent K.

It's a lot of pressure, being only known or respected or liked or whatever because of doing hard shit. If I fail, I don't just fail at fixing the things I was fixing. I fail at being even remotely worthwhile as a person, because all I am defined as seems to be activism.

And that isn't what I want. I cannot handle that. If I were to quit activism tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year, I need to still matter because I am a worthwhile person. Not just because I get shit done, but because, activism or not, I matter.

I need to be more than my advocacy. I have to.

Skepticism's Ableism Problem

I have a new drinking game for reading the comments on Freethought Blogs. All of them. Bet you can figure out what it is.

You bet your ass that if a post is about asinine behavior, someone in the comments will internet-diagnose the person in question with Aspergers/an ASD. Because, of course, all autistics & Aspies et cetera behave so out-of-the-norm asshattedly as to come to the attention of fairly widely read bloggers. And obviously, autism is the only thing that could possibly make someone such an asshat.

Except no.

I mostly see this, actually, in the context of misogynist deed being committed, someone says "well duh, Aspie dude" or something to that effect. The dude in question has never in any of these threads been listed as autistic. Ever. Except by NT onlookers who are looking for a reason to feel superior-"I'm not a misogynist" isn't enough, they've got to exert their NT privilege too!

Fun fact, y'all. We're skeptics too. And as an autistic woman, I cannot tell in which way I feel less welcome in the community. The sexism is awful, and the way you try to blame it on people with my fucking neurology is not acceptable.

Now excuse me, I need to go do a shot for each instance of "dumbass" and "stupid" and a whole bottle for the "asshole=autism" thing.

Aren't you an enlightened bunch?

Apparently not.

Shaking the unshakeable

For some reason people think I'm a lot more confident than I am. I'm not. I live with a lot of anxiety and near crippling self doubt. However, I firmly believe that my fights are worth fighting.

Let me have that.

There's a systemic process that people use to break this kind of thing, to convince people that what they know and see and perceive and feel isn't real or accurate.

It's called gaslighting, and it's abuse.

Every time you tell someone that they are too sensitive, they are overreacting, they didn't mean it that way, you are gaslighting. And that is abuse.

Every time you tell someone with a disability that they aren't a really real disabled person, you are gaslighting, and that's abuse.

Every time you try to convince someone with a disability that they are too high functioning to talk accurately about that disability, you are gaslighting. That's abuse.

Every time you tell someone that enforcing their access needs is unreasonable, you are gaslighting. That's abuse.

Every time you tell someone that defending themselves against others hurting them is 'abusive', you are gaslighting. And that is abuse.

Every time you tell someone that they have to understand why someone did or said something hurtful, they didn't mean it about them, you are gaslighting. That's abuse.

When you tell someone on the receiving end of prejudice or injustice that they're imagining it, you are gaslighting. That is abuse.

You aren't the first person who thought to tell us that we're oversensitive or being unreasonable with our needs or that our perceptions are wrong or whatever. Gaslighting is common.

And it is abuse.

Trying to shake someone's sense that what they know, see, and think is true, trying to convince them they're just making shit up? Just so you don't have to listen to them? Just to break them down?

That is abuse. It is disgusting. It is an absolutely hateful thing to do to anyone. It's also a favorite tactic of all sorts of shitty people. And make no mistake, if you do this sort of thing you are a shitty person.

When you engage in this kind of thing, the planting and cultivating of self doubt, it'll work for a while. It won't get me to shut up though. It'll make me anxious as I try to figure out what is real and what is made up and who made it up and why and what I did wrong to make them think that was ok.

And I know the answer is it isn't ok. It is gaslighting. Gaslighting is abuse. But it is sneaky and it leaves marks, marks that no one can see.

Growing someone else's self doubt so that you don't have to change your thinking or your action?

That shit's abuse. You should know better. Stop doing it.

You're disabled & demand access, GTFO.

This past week I wrote two blog posts about my increasing frustration with the events of Portland swing dance. This first one was basically an explanation of...why I won't pay upward of $100 to again be assaulted by a photographer & be told that the event organizers won't do anything about it. I know, I am so damn unreasonable.

This one, featuring a comment stuck in the spam trap & a photo of inadequate passive aggressive signage was a followup to both that and a "seriously? Does anyone think this sign is remotely approaching acceptable?" It's the size of a damn potholder!

Apparently someone doesn't like getting criticized on the internet, since I got an email from Mindy Hazeltine telling me that I may not go to Stumptown dance events anymore, for reasons that amount to "you are disabled and willing to make people uncomfortable to ensure your access."

That's right.

The kids who throw each other & almost drop each other on their heads? They're cool. The guy who regularly throws his follows into other couples & grinds all on new ladies? Oh, he's fine too. The retired military man who takes photos up shirts & down skirts and who has gotten into physical altercations on the dance floor? Yeah, he's all good too, just like the assaulty Evrim.

But oh man, be epileptic & insist on your access? GTFO! EMOTIONAL ABUSE! Make it much harder to switch out the good sign for the bad sign by removing it so the only choice is the good sign? OMG LARCENY. When Stumptown Dance promises to make an announcement & to talk to flashing people, and then fails, what am I supposed to do? Oh right. Be niiiiiiiice. Because it's totally expected to be niiiiiiiiiiice to people who are hurting you rightthissecond.

I wrote about that, actually. Over a year ago. I am not required to be nice. You are, however, required to not kill me. I know, I know, it makes you feel bad to be told, not asked, that you shouldn't kill me. I'm looking for a fuck to give, can't find one. Not feeling bad is not a right. Not being killed is. I wrote about this derailment, argument from tone in lateish 2011. Cuz "you were mean in telling me to not kill you" is a spurious argument, and people need to stop making it. As I wrote as one of the very first posts here, I shouldn't have to beg.

I briefly mentioned the whole flash photography issue in my BADD 2011 post, too. Being a one person anti strobe league for this long? It's hard. You get tired. You get real tired when people are like "you are inconvenient. Pay me to hurt you, or go away. I won't do the legally required accommodations because I don't want to!

A long time ago I wrote a post, Epilepsy Is, again inspired by the ableist treatment at Stumptown Dance events and the assaults by Mr Icoz and the resulting lack of acceptable resolution by Portland Lindy Society. One of the first posts on this blog was also about dance, and the ableism I've been fighting since day 1: Why This is a Battle Worth Fighting.

This is a long-standing problematic pattern. It doesn't matter if you don't find it 'convenient', or if you believe epilepsy is really demons, or whatever. The fact of the matter is there is a law, and excluding someone for insisting the law is followed rather than excluding those who will not keep it, that is a special kind of bigoted.