Ok. So.
A friend of mine has a friend. Well, more than one friend I'm sure.
Anyway. This friend of my friend and her husband wish to adopt 2 little girls with Down Syndrome from Eastern Europe. They are choosing, selecting, to embrace two children with disabilities. Given how society talks about disability, that's kind of awesome.
Where these girls were born, disabled lives are apparently less valued than here. At around age 5, disabled orphans are put in institutions.
Not cool.
International adoption (and I know, there are issues with international adoption. In my humble opinion there are bigger issues with institutionalization) is expensive. This is where you come in.
Assuming this link works, there's a dream funding sort of contest here: American Family Insurance Dream Contest thingy
The website is absolutely awful in terms of navigation, and it does require registration, which is a pain too. So if it gives you something ridiculous (the box was in the lower left corner for me), it's Jennifer W. of Oregon under the family category. If you can gather the spoons to vote...2 more kids with disabilities will have a loving home.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
I'm not just activism
How to provoke a full scale meltdown while trying to do the opposite:
Bring up my activism, especially as it relates to a kid I actually know, when I am already upset or feeling insecure or unvalued for whatever reason.
Wait, what? Activism is important and awesome!
I never said it isn't. But doing activism sucks. It is difficult. It is unpleasant. People say truly abominable things to me and about me, they lie about me, they attack people I care about deeply, they physically threaten (or occasionally attack) me. It never ends. There's always a battle, it is always uphill, it always sucks. Activism forces me to use skills I am not actually good at to try to get society to do things people don't want to do because in their eyes I and people like me don't deserve them.
Activism drains me. But I do it anyway, because I feel a deep responsibility to the neurodivergent kids I know, and the ones I don't know. It is my job to help people like me build a world that doesn't attack us for existing. If I don't fight a lot of these fights, no one else will, and then I have failed people who are going to have their own shit to work through. That sucks.
The bad thing about accomplishing things in something as unforgiving as activism is that no matter what, you're expected to keep going, and it sucks. The bad thing about accomplishing things in regards to activism is that keeping going becomes your only value.
I do more than activism, though. I am more than activism. But that doesn't mean I am valued as more than an activist. Sometimes I wish more than anything I could quit, but I know, just know, that the only reason people tolerate my presence on this planet is that I get shit done. If I am no longer useful, I no longer matter. No matter how thoroughly exhausted I am with everything, if I don't keep going, don't keep fighting, my existence no longer has meaning, I no longer have meaning, there is no point to the continued existence of Neurodivergent K.
It's a lot of pressure, being only known or respected or liked or whatever because of doing hard shit. If I fail, I don't just fail at fixing the things I was fixing. I fail at being even remotely worthwhile as a person, because all I am defined as seems to be activism.
And that isn't what I want. I cannot handle that. If I were to quit activism tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year, I need to still matter because I am a worthwhile person. Not just because I get shit done, but because, activism or not, I matter.
I need to be more than my advocacy. I have to.
Bring up my activism, especially as it relates to a kid I actually know, when I am already upset or feeling insecure or unvalued for whatever reason.
Wait, what? Activism is important and awesome!
I never said it isn't. But doing activism sucks. It is difficult. It is unpleasant. People say truly abominable things to me and about me, they lie about me, they attack people I care about deeply, they physically threaten (or occasionally attack) me. It never ends. There's always a battle, it is always uphill, it always sucks. Activism forces me to use skills I am not actually good at to try to get society to do things people don't want to do because in their eyes I and people like me don't deserve them.
Activism drains me. But I do it anyway, because I feel a deep responsibility to the neurodivergent kids I know, and the ones I don't know. It is my job to help people like me build a world that doesn't attack us for existing. If I don't fight a lot of these fights, no one else will, and then I have failed people who are going to have their own shit to work through. That sucks.
The bad thing about accomplishing things in something as unforgiving as activism is that no matter what, you're expected to keep going, and it sucks. The bad thing about accomplishing things in regards to activism is that keeping going becomes your only value.
I do more than activism, though. I am more than activism. But that doesn't mean I am valued as more than an activist. Sometimes I wish more than anything I could quit, but I know, just know, that the only reason people tolerate my presence on this planet is that I get shit done. If I am no longer useful, I no longer matter. No matter how thoroughly exhausted I am with everything, if I don't keep going, don't keep fighting, my existence no longer has meaning, I no longer have meaning, there is no point to the continued existence of Neurodivergent K.
It's a lot of pressure, being only known or respected or liked or whatever because of doing hard shit. If I fail, I don't just fail at fixing the things I was fixing. I fail at being even remotely worthwhile as a person, because all I am defined as seems to be activism.
And that isn't what I want. I cannot handle that. If I were to quit activism tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year, I need to still matter because I am a worthwhile person. Not just because I get shit done, but because, activism or not, I matter.
I need to be more than my advocacy. I have to.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Skepticism's Ableism Problem
I have a new drinking game for reading the comments on Freethought Blogs. All of them. Bet you can figure out what it is.
You bet your ass that if a post is about asinine behavior, someone in the comments will internet-diagnose the person in question with Aspergers/an ASD. Because, of course, all autistics & Aspies et cetera behave so out-of-the-norm asshattedly as to come to the attention of fairly widely read bloggers. And obviously, autism is the only thing that could possibly make someone such an asshat.
Except no.
I mostly see this, actually, in the context of misogynist deed being committed, someone says "well duh, Aspie dude" or something to that effect. The dude in question has never in any of these threads been listed as autistic. Ever. Except by NT onlookers who are looking for a reason to feel superior-"I'm not a misogynist" isn't enough, they've got to exert their NT privilege too!
Fun fact, y'all. We're skeptics too. And as an autistic woman, I cannot tell in which way I feel less welcome in the community. The sexism is awful, and the way you try to blame it on people with my fucking neurology is not acceptable.
Now excuse me, I need to go do a shot for each instance of "dumbass" and "stupid" and a whole bottle for the "asshole=autism" thing.
Aren't you an enlightened bunch?
Apparently not.
You bet your ass that if a post is about asinine behavior, someone in the comments will internet-diagnose the person in question with Aspergers/an ASD. Because, of course, all autistics & Aspies et cetera behave so out-of-the-norm asshattedly as to come to the attention of fairly widely read bloggers. And obviously, autism is the only thing that could possibly make someone such an asshat.
Except no.
I mostly see this, actually, in the context of misogynist deed being committed, someone says "well duh, Aspie dude" or something to that effect. The dude in question has never in any of these threads been listed as autistic. Ever. Except by NT onlookers who are looking for a reason to feel superior-"I'm not a misogynist" isn't enough, they've got to exert their NT privilege too!
Fun fact, y'all. We're skeptics too. And as an autistic woman, I cannot tell in which way I feel less welcome in the community. The sexism is awful, and the way you try to blame it on people with my fucking neurology is not acceptable.
Now excuse me, I need to go do a shot for each instance of "dumbass" and "stupid" and a whole bottle for the "asshole=autism" thing.
Aren't you an enlightened bunch?
Apparently not.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Shaking the unshakeable
For some reason people think I'm a lot more confident than I am. I'm not. I live with a lot of anxiety and near crippling self doubt. However, I firmly believe that my fights are worth fighting.
Let me have that.
There's a systemic process that people use to break this kind of thing, to convince people that what they know and see and perceive and feel isn't real or accurate.
It's called gaslighting, and it's abuse.
Every time you tell someone that they are too sensitive, they are overreacting, they didn't mean it that way, you are gaslighting. And that is abuse.
Every time you tell someone with a disability that they aren't a really real disabled person, you are gaslighting, and that's abuse.
Every time you try to convince someone with a disability that they are too high functioning to talk accurately about that disability, you are gaslighting. That's abuse.
Every time you tell someone that enforcing their access needs is unreasonable, you are gaslighting. That's abuse.
Every time you tell someone that defending themselves against others hurting them is 'abusive', you are gaslighting. And that is abuse.
Every time you tell someone that they have to understand why someone did or said something hurtful, they didn't mean it about them, you are gaslighting. That's abuse.
When you tell someone on the receiving end of prejudice or injustice that they're imagining it, you are gaslighting. That is abuse.
You aren't the first person who thought to tell us that we're oversensitive or being unreasonable with our needs or that our perceptions are wrong or whatever. Gaslighting is common.
And it is abuse.
Trying to shake someone's sense that what they know, see, and think is true, trying to convince them they're just making shit up? Just so you don't have to listen to them? Just to break them down?
That is abuse. It is disgusting. It is an absolutely hateful thing to do to anyone. It's also a favorite tactic of all sorts of shitty people. And make no mistake, if you do this sort of thing you are a shitty person.
When you engage in this kind of thing, the planting and cultivating of self doubt, it'll work for a while. It won't get me to shut up though. It'll make me anxious as I try to figure out what is real and what is made up and who made it up and why and what I did wrong to make them think that was ok.
And I know the answer is it isn't ok. It is gaslighting. Gaslighting is abuse. But it is sneaky and it leaves marks, marks that no one can see.
Growing someone else's self doubt so that you don't have to change your thinking or your action?
That shit's abuse. You should know better. Stop doing it.
Let me have that.
There's a systemic process that people use to break this kind of thing, to convince people that what they know and see and perceive and feel isn't real or accurate.
It's called gaslighting, and it's abuse.
Every time you tell someone that they are too sensitive, they are overreacting, they didn't mean it that way, you are gaslighting. And that is abuse.
Every time you tell someone with a disability that they aren't a really real disabled person, you are gaslighting, and that's abuse.
Every time you try to convince someone with a disability that they are too high functioning to talk accurately about that disability, you are gaslighting. That's abuse.
Every time you tell someone that enforcing their access needs is unreasonable, you are gaslighting. That's abuse.
Every time you tell someone that defending themselves against others hurting them is 'abusive', you are gaslighting. And that is abuse.
Every time you tell someone that they have to understand why someone did or said something hurtful, they didn't mean it about them, you are gaslighting. That's abuse.
When you tell someone on the receiving end of prejudice or injustice that they're imagining it, you are gaslighting. That is abuse.
You aren't the first person who thought to tell us that we're oversensitive or being unreasonable with our needs or that our perceptions are wrong or whatever. Gaslighting is common.
And it is abuse.
Trying to shake someone's sense that what they know, see, and think is true, trying to convince them they're just making shit up? Just so you don't have to listen to them? Just to break them down?
That is abuse. It is disgusting. It is an absolutely hateful thing to do to anyone. It's also a favorite tactic of all sorts of shitty people. And make no mistake, if you do this sort of thing you are a shitty person.
When you engage in this kind of thing, the planting and cultivating of self doubt, it'll work for a while. It won't get me to shut up though. It'll make me anxious as I try to figure out what is real and what is made up and who made it up and why and what I did wrong to make them think that was ok.
And I know the answer is it isn't ok. It is gaslighting. Gaslighting is abuse. But it is sneaky and it leaves marks, marks that no one can see.
Growing someone else's self doubt so that you don't have to change your thinking or your action?
That shit's abuse. You should know better. Stop doing it.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
You're disabled & demand access, GTFO.
This past week I wrote two blog posts about my increasing frustration with the events of Portland swing dance. This first one was basically an explanation of...why I won't pay upward of $100 to again be assaulted by a photographer & be told that the event organizers won't do anything about it. I know, I am so damn unreasonable.
This one, featuring a comment stuck in the spam trap & a photo of inadequate passive aggressive signage was a followup to both that and a "seriously? Does anyone think this sign is remotely approaching acceptable?" It's the size of a damn potholder!
Apparently someone doesn't like getting criticized on the internet, since I got an email from Mindy Hazeltine telling me that I may not go to Stumptown dance events anymore, for reasons that amount to "you are disabled and willing to make people uncomfortable to ensure your access."
That's right.
The kids who throw each other & almost drop each other on their heads? They're cool. The guy who regularly throws his follows into other couples & grinds all on new ladies? Oh, he's fine too. The retired military man who takes photos up shirts & down skirts and who has gotten into physical altercations on the dance floor? Yeah, he's all good too, just like the assaulty Evrim.
But oh man, be epileptic & insist on your access? GTFO! EMOTIONAL ABUSE! Make it much harder to switch out the good sign for the bad sign by removing it so the only choice is the good sign? OMG LARCENY. When Stumptown Dance promises to make an announcement & to talk to flashing people, and then fails, what am I supposed to do? Oh right. Be niiiiiiiice. Because it's totally expected to be niiiiiiiiiiice to people who are hurting you rightthissecond.
I wrote about that, actually. Over a year ago. I am not required to be nice. You are, however, required to not kill me. I know, I know, it makes you feel bad to be told, not asked, that you shouldn't kill me. I'm looking for a fuck to give, can't find one. Not feeling bad is not a right. Not being killed is. I wrote about this derailment, argument from tone in lateish 2011. Cuz "you were mean in telling me to not kill you" is a spurious argument, and people need to stop making it. As I wrote as one of the very first posts here, I shouldn't have to beg.
I briefly mentioned the whole flash photography issue in my BADD 2011 post, too. Being a one person anti strobe league for this long? It's hard. You get tired. You get real tired when people are like "you are inconvenient. Pay me to hurt you, or go away. I won't do the legally required accommodations because I don't want to!
A long time ago I wrote a post, Epilepsy Is, again inspired by the ableist treatment at Stumptown Dance events and the assaults by Mr Icoz and the resulting lack of acceptable resolution by Portland Lindy Society. One of the first posts on this blog was also about dance, and the ableism I've been fighting since day 1: Why This is a Battle Worth Fighting.
This is a long-standing problematic pattern. It doesn't matter if you don't find it 'convenient', or if you believe epilepsy is really demons, or whatever. The fact of the matter is there is a law, and excluding someone for insisting the law is followed rather than excluding those who will not keep it, that is a special kind of bigoted.
This one, featuring a comment stuck in the spam trap & a photo of inadequate passive aggressive signage was a followup to both that and a "seriously? Does anyone think this sign is remotely approaching acceptable?" It's the size of a damn potholder!
Apparently someone doesn't like getting criticized on the internet, since I got an email from Mindy Hazeltine telling me that I may not go to Stumptown dance events anymore, for reasons that amount to "you are disabled and willing to make people uncomfortable to ensure your access."
That's right.
The kids who throw each other & almost drop each other on their heads? They're cool. The guy who regularly throws his follows into other couples & grinds all on new ladies? Oh, he's fine too. The retired military man who takes photos up shirts & down skirts and who has gotten into physical altercations on the dance floor? Yeah, he's all good too, just like the assaulty Evrim.
But oh man, be epileptic & insist on your access? GTFO! EMOTIONAL ABUSE! Make it much harder to switch out the good sign for the bad sign by removing it so the only choice is the good sign? OMG LARCENY. When Stumptown Dance promises to make an announcement & to talk to flashing people, and then fails, what am I supposed to do? Oh right. Be niiiiiiiice. Because it's totally expected to be niiiiiiiiiiice to people who are hurting you rightthissecond.
I wrote about that, actually. Over a year ago. I am not required to be nice. You are, however, required to not kill me. I know, I know, it makes you feel bad to be told, not asked, that you shouldn't kill me. I'm looking for a fuck to give, can't find one. Not feeling bad is not a right. Not being killed is. I wrote about this derailment, argument from tone in lateish 2011. Cuz "you were mean in telling me to not kill you" is a spurious argument, and people need to stop making it. As I wrote as one of the very first posts here, I shouldn't have to beg.
I briefly mentioned the whole flash photography issue in my BADD 2011 post, too. Being a one person anti strobe league for this long? It's hard. You get tired. You get real tired when people are like "you are inconvenient. Pay me to hurt you, or go away. I won't do the legally required accommodations because I don't want to!
A long time ago I wrote a post, Epilepsy Is, again inspired by the ableist treatment at Stumptown Dance events and the assaults by Mr Icoz and the resulting lack of acceptable resolution by Portland Lindy Society. One of the first posts on this blog was also about dance, and the ableism I've been fighting since day 1: Why This is a Battle Worth Fighting.
This is a long-standing problematic pattern. It doesn't matter if you don't find it 'convenient', or if you believe epilepsy is really demons, or whatever. The fact of the matter is there is a law, and excluding someone for insisting the law is followed rather than excluding those who will not keep it, that is a special kind of bigoted.
COMMENT CAUGHT IN THE SPAM TRAP.
Why? Because my mother dying doesn't mean there's not advocacy work to be done, that's why. Let's play "spot the bullshit!"
From "anonymous lindy hopper":
FWIW I am not involved in organizing the event, but I do know many event organizers both in and out of the lindy hop world and I doubt that any of them could afford to implement everything that the ADA could possibly require (and for the most part there's no need to). I truly believe that an organization should make their event as accessible and enjoyable to everyone and I'm glad the ADA tries to enforce this, I am just trying to suggest proactive ways to ensure the writer of the blog can ensure and maintain good relations with the organizers."
First, I am pretty sure I know who you are.
Second, it is the event organizers' job to "ensure and maintain good relations" with the customers. You don't get to say "You have needs that are inconvenient, though completely free to accommodate, but I DON'T WANT TO SO GIVE ME MONEY TO HURT YOU." It does. Not. Work. That. Way.
Third, a picture is worth a billion trillion words. Here is the sign that an organization with a lot of crossover with the people who put on PLX thinks is acceptable acquiescence:
Please note the potholder. It's there for perspective. Cuz not only is it worded as circuituitously as possible, it's also the size of a damn potholder.
The sign I printed out, which this other organization (that I suspect "anonymous lindy hopper" is deeply involved in) keeps losing, looks like this:
It says "NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY" above and "Thank you for your cooperation" below. It takes up a whole 8.5x11 sheet of paper, which is the minimum to get anyone to look at anything. And it did not take any special skillz or money to make-I did it in about 3 minutes, so neither time nor money are an investment here.
I left a whole lot more bullshit unpointed out, so everyone can play!
ETA: Obviously nothing I am asking for costs anything. Well, maybe kicking Assaulty Camera Guy (Evrim Icoz, for those playing along at home) out does, but so does paying him, & paying people to assault your customers is a really good way to get them to not come back and write a blog post that says that Portland Lindy Society paid Evrim Icoz to assault me with a strobe light at Portland Lindy Exchange. Other than that, no idea what the purpose of that straw argument is. Ideas, neurodivergents?
From "anonymous lindy hopper":
FWIW I am not involved in organizing the event, but I do know many event organizers both in and out of the lindy hop world and I doubt that any of them could afford to implement everything that the ADA could possibly require (and for the most part there's no need to). I truly believe that an organization should make their event as accessible and enjoyable to everyone and I'm glad the ADA tries to enforce this, I am just trying to suggest proactive ways to ensure the writer of the blog can ensure and maintain good relations with the organizers."
First, I am pretty sure I know who you are.
Second, it is the event organizers' job to "ensure and maintain good relations" with the customers. You don't get to say "You have needs that are inconvenient, though completely free to accommodate, but I DON'T WANT TO SO GIVE ME MONEY TO HURT YOU." It does. Not. Work. That. Way.
Third, a picture is worth a billion trillion words. Here is the sign that an organization with a lot of crossover with the people who put on PLX thinks is acceptable acquiescence:
Please note the potholder. It's there for perspective. Cuz not only is it worded as circuituitously as possible, it's also the size of a damn potholder.
The sign I printed out, which this other organization (that I suspect "anonymous lindy hopper" is deeply involved in) keeps losing, looks like this:
It says "NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY" above and "Thank you for your cooperation" below. It takes up a whole 8.5x11 sheet of paper, which is the minimum to get anyone to look at anything. And it did not take any special skillz or money to make-I did it in about 3 minutes, so neither time nor money are an investment here.
I left a whole lot more bullshit unpointed out, so everyone can play!
ETA: Obviously nothing I am asking for costs anything. Well, maybe kicking Assaulty Camera Guy (Evrim Icoz, for those playing along at home) out does, but so does paying him, & paying people to assault your customers is a really good way to get them to not come back and write a blog post that says that Portland Lindy Society paid Evrim Icoz to assault me with a strobe light at Portland Lindy Exchange. Other than that, no idea what the purpose of that straw argument is. Ideas, neurodivergents?
Monday, January 23, 2012
Conflicted Emotions.
This is what I wrote down trying to process my feelings & thoughts after learning of my mother's death. It's all very jumbly & confusing
So this weekend my mother died, & I'm not sure how I feel or how I'm supposed to feel or really anything. Those of you who know me know that I've not had a relationship with my mom for years, but that doesn't prevent the emotional confusion.
The last thing my mother said to me was "get a real job or die on the street." I was extremely, obviously ill at the time, & that was what she had to say. She had spent the previous several years hurting my physically-I have dents in my skull that I was not born with-and verbally abusing me and justifying her husband's abuse of me. So, if that is my mother, if that is who she is, then how I feel right now is probably appropriate and normal. Mourning one's abuser and tormentor isn't something that is reasonable to expect of anyone. Numbness, if not outright relief, is a reasonable thing to expect.
But my mother wasn't always like that. When I was young, she fought for my intelligence and capabilities to be recognized. When I was being tormented at school by teachers and students alike, she logged many many hours talking to teachers and parents of other kids in my classes. I've been having roughly identical "WHY IS EVERYTHING SO DAMN DIFFICULT?!?!?" meltdowns since I was about seven years old. When I was little she'd squish me tight, stroke my hair, & say "I don't know, punkin. I just don't know." She didn't understand me by any stretch of the imagination, but the mom I had when I was little sure tried. She made mistakes, as do all parents, some of them pretty huge, as with all parents, but the mom I had when I was little was doing everything in her power to do what was best for me.
And that's what makes this so complex & difficult. The mother of Little K was a woman worth mourning. The mother of Adult K was scary & upredictable & abusive, and not ever dealing with her again is a relief. But I had it in my head that Little K's mom could be somehow revived.
That's probably not the case though. Little K's mom died a long time ago, I think, even though her body never went anywhere. I think I knew that and did my mourning and mental burying a long time ago. The scary person occupying her body is not the mother I could once depend on to always be on my side, even when she didn't understand why that was my side.
So being numb is probably ok. I think I came to terms with my mother's death years ago and just hadn't thought of it that way. Feeling guilty about being numb, probably also ok, but not necessary. Or something. I don't know.
So this weekend my mother died, & I'm not sure how I feel or how I'm supposed to feel or really anything. Those of you who know me know that I've not had a relationship with my mom for years, but that doesn't prevent the emotional confusion.
The last thing my mother said to me was "get a real job or die on the street." I was extremely, obviously ill at the time, & that was what she had to say. She had spent the previous several years hurting my physically-I have dents in my skull that I was not born with-and verbally abusing me and justifying her husband's abuse of me. So, if that is my mother, if that is who she is, then how I feel right now is probably appropriate and normal. Mourning one's abuser and tormentor isn't something that is reasonable to expect of anyone. Numbness, if not outright relief, is a reasonable thing to expect.
But my mother wasn't always like that. When I was young, she fought for my intelligence and capabilities to be recognized. When I was being tormented at school by teachers and students alike, she logged many many hours talking to teachers and parents of other kids in my classes. I've been having roughly identical "WHY IS EVERYTHING SO DAMN DIFFICULT?!?!?" meltdowns since I was about seven years old. When I was little she'd squish me tight, stroke my hair, & say "I don't know, punkin. I just don't know." She didn't understand me by any stretch of the imagination, but the mom I had when I was little sure tried. She made mistakes, as do all parents, some of them pretty huge, as with all parents, but the mom I had when I was little was doing everything in her power to do what was best for me.
And that's what makes this so complex & difficult. The mother of Little K was a woman worth mourning. The mother of Adult K was scary & upredictable & abusive, and not ever dealing with her again is a relief. But I had it in my head that Little K's mom could be somehow revived.
That's probably not the case though. Little K's mom died a long time ago, I think, even though her body never went anywhere. I think I knew that and did my mourning and mental burying a long time ago. The scary person occupying her body is not the mother I could once depend on to always be on my side, even when she didn't understand why that was my side.
So being numb is probably ok. I think I came to terms with my mother's death years ago and just hadn't thought of it that way. Feeling guilty about being numb, probably also ok, but not necessary. Or something. I don't know.
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