A big part of my life is dedicated to advocating for my own needs. Why? Because if I don't do it, no one else will. I have the strength of personality to face down asshattery again and again without getting too discouraged. Angry, yes, but I don't give up easily.
There comes a point, though, where I just shut down. I cannot have the same discussion in different ways again and again. Once you start looking for loopholes, start argument-from-toning (hint: I'm an adult. "That behavior in trying to get an immediate need met is inappropriate" is pretty much the most asshatty blame deflecting thing you can say. Ever. If you have ever said this to someone advocating for herself, climb a rope and let go over a pit of spikes. If you cannot yet climb a rope, I will teach you), start making excuse after excuse, I cannot continue dealing with you. If you staunchly refuse to listen to my well educated thoughts on a matter, then beating my head against the brick wall that is whatever topic is at hand isn't something I am willing or able to do.
You don't win if I'm not able to continue a discussion with you, though. Giving up on talking to you doesn't mean I gave up on the issue at hand. It means I am looking to route what I need around the false roadblock you set up. You don't think disability access is your problem? Sucks for you, since legally you are wrong and the court will cheerily tell you otherwise. You don't think that I know the first thing about my medical crap? I want a second opinion, from someone competent. I know you aren't competent because what you told me is the exact opposite of what the technical literature told me. Oh snap.
Once I give up on you, you are probably in for fury the likes of which hell hath not seen. I have other resources. Don't make me use them. Yes, I get overwhelmed, but I have that soul of steel that only lets me wallow in that for a few days if the issue is truly important to me. You only think you want me to give up on you.
Showing posts with label communication shutdown. Show all posts
Showing posts with label communication shutdown. Show all posts
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Monday, November 1, 2010
Inaugural Post: Autistics Speak Day
I believe AEIOU had the best of intentions. I really do.
The road to hell, however, is paved with said good intentions. Good intentions are behind many, if not most, efforts "on behalf of" a group that's frequently othered. Autistics in many way are the ultimate other--our nonverbal cues are different, our use of language is often different, our sensory processing is different and often inconsistent, we look like everyone else and yet are so fundamentally NOT that many of us are pretty squarely in the uncanny valley. People just don't know what to think of us, but they don't see us as 'same' enough to just ask us.
As an autistic, I implore you: Ask us what we want. Ask us what we need. Ask us what it is to be us. I can't answer "what's it like to be autistic", because I have been nothing else, but I can tell you what I am experiencing. I can tell you that I cannot tell the difference between pain and nausea consistently, I can tell you that I discovered dizziness recently and it fills me with as much joy as flying, I can tell you what my eyes see when I look where you're looking, I can tell you what your words mean to me.
I can tell you what it is to be constantly regarded as broken. I can tell you what general society does to reinforce this. I can tell you what it feels like to be assumed incompetent in areas where I am brilliant, and I can tell you what it feels like to be assumed brilliant in areas in which I am completely incompetent. I can tell you what your assumptions do to me. I may not get the hidden meanings you are intending, but I can tell you what hidden messages you reveal.
I can tell you what it means when I stare at the lights. I can tell you what it means when I jump up and down. I can tell you what that squeal meant. I can tell you why I sat down in the middle of the street. I can tell you what my behavior means. I can tell you that all that behavior, it's communication of some kind. It all has meaning.
And I can tell you absolutely that my communication issues are not just a failure on my side. Communication is a process in which people both send and receive messages. I send messages. I send a lot of messages. They may not all be in your language of saying one thing and meaning something else as indicated by body language and tone of voice, but I send messages. Even when I'm so postictal I do not remember where I am or how I got there, I am sending messages and trying to receive yours. Even when I am so fried that words just aren't happening, there are messages.
The message that the communication shutdown and similar initiatives gives me is one of profound misunderstanding of what it is to be in my brain and brains like mine. Initiatives like that say to me that they believe the communication issue is all my problem. But it isn't. Not speaking isn't the same as not listening. Not speaking isn't the same as not communicating.
If you really want to know what it is to be autistic, don't take a break from Farmville. No one even cares about Farmville. Ask an autistic specific questions about what it is to be us. Spend a day having everything you say challenged because you aren't the right kind of...something to matter. Spend a day experiencing outside of the box.
Instead of shutting off communication, open up the lines with an autistic. Receive our messages instead of assuming. That's way more for autistics than a facebook charity app ever could be.
The road to hell, however, is paved with said good intentions. Good intentions are behind many, if not most, efforts "on behalf of" a group that's frequently othered. Autistics in many way are the ultimate other--our nonverbal cues are different, our use of language is often different, our sensory processing is different and often inconsistent, we look like everyone else and yet are so fundamentally NOT that many of us are pretty squarely in the uncanny valley. People just don't know what to think of us, but they don't see us as 'same' enough to just ask us.
As an autistic, I implore you: Ask us what we want. Ask us what we need. Ask us what it is to be us. I can't answer "what's it like to be autistic", because I have been nothing else, but I can tell you what I am experiencing. I can tell you that I cannot tell the difference between pain and nausea consistently, I can tell you that I discovered dizziness recently and it fills me with as much joy as flying, I can tell you what my eyes see when I look where you're looking, I can tell you what your words mean to me.
I can tell you what it is to be constantly regarded as broken. I can tell you what general society does to reinforce this. I can tell you what it feels like to be assumed incompetent in areas where I am brilliant, and I can tell you what it feels like to be assumed brilliant in areas in which I am completely incompetent. I can tell you what your assumptions do to me. I may not get the hidden meanings you are intending, but I can tell you what hidden messages you reveal.
I can tell you what it means when I stare at the lights. I can tell you what it means when I jump up and down. I can tell you what that squeal meant. I can tell you why I sat down in the middle of the street. I can tell you what my behavior means. I can tell you that all that behavior, it's communication of some kind. It all has meaning.
And I can tell you absolutely that my communication issues are not just a failure on my side. Communication is a process in which people both send and receive messages. I send messages. I send a lot of messages. They may not all be in your language of saying one thing and meaning something else as indicated by body language and tone of voice, but I send messages. Even when I'm so postictal I do not remember where I am or how I got there, I am sending messages and trying to receive yours. Even when I am so fried that words just aren't happening, there are messages.
The message that the communication shutdown and similar initiatives gives me is one of profound misunderstanding of what it is to be in my brain and brains like mine. Initiatives like that say to me that they believe the communication issue is all my problem. But it isn't. Not speaking isn't the same as not listening. Not speaking isn't the same as not communicating.
If you really want to know what it is to be autistic, don't take a break from Farmville. No one even cares about Farmville. Ask an autistic specific questions about what it is to be us. Spend a day having everything you say challenged because you aren't the right kind of...something to matter. Spend a day experiencing outside of the box.
Instead of shutting off communication, open up the lines with an autistic. Receive our messages instead of assuming. That's way more for autistics than a facebook charity app ever could be.
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