It's yet another "autism awareness day". Or autism acceptance day if you run in my circles.
The rhetoric never gets better. We can tone it down taupe, red instead, light it up gold, burn it down beige all we want, but we don't control the narrative.
No matter where I turn this month, I am forced to be aware of one thing:
The well of your hate for me & mine is truly bottomless.
There's a slow trickle throughout the year. My Autistic siblings are murdered and the media reports naught but sympathy for the killers. Scary people are armchair diagnosed as sharing my neurotype, with no evidence but that you hate us all. People fundraise to get rid of us.
Epidemic. Emergency. Tsunami. Burden. National crisis. Tragedy.
Those words never stop echoing in my ears, not really, but I can pretend for whole hours at a time that you almost think I'm people, 11 months of the year.
But in April you won't give me that. It's 30 days of solid "we hate you. You should not exist."
It's not just the gush of threats of bodily harm. Those ebb more with current events than with the calendar, mostly. It's the 24 hours wall to wall endless rush of hate and resentment.
It's parents who admit to treating their kids worse than animals being treated as heroes.
It's people giving money to organizations that pay people to go on camera saying they want to drive kids off the bridge.
It's the endless barrage of people telling me I don't know my experiences because of abilities they assume I have, damn the facts.
It's the other barrage of people telling me that my fear-driven anger with the narrative is unreasonable & a reason I'm too broken to live.
These same people are afraid of autism, but we may not be afraid of the consequences of their hate.
It's blue lights, because "blue is for boys and only boys have autism".
It's the legacy of little puzzle head.
It's the same fear based tactics since I was 16, & they get more frenetic rather than segueing to calming the hell down.
It's how calmly people tell me they don't blame my mom for her violence.
It's uncritical presentation of Indistinguishable from Peers as a good & damn the consequences.
It's the lauding of Good Autistics from rich white moderate backgrounds while ignoring or even taking steps to silence those of us born unrespectable.
It's the rain of infantiliaztion.
It's " do you want to donate money so we can prevent people like you from being born?"
It's the words that say more about you than about us:
Lacking empathy. Rigid. Unpredictable. Violent. In their own world. Perpetual child. Noncommunicative. Soulless. Stolen. Lost. Missing.
It's being reminded it's a tragedy that we have a normal life span. Except we don't. We die 30 years early. Even that is too long for you all.
Everywhere I look you remind me that you hate uhat you hate us. You want us gone. A word for the history books.
I'm aware of the meaning of 'awareness.' Are you?