On role models, and who can and cannot be one.

First, the good thing: people are (finally) coming around to the idea that Autistic adults are logical and appropriate role models for Autistic children and teens. 

Now the not good thing: some organizations and individuals are applying ridiculous standards to who can and cannot be considered a role model. One group is defining acceptable Autistics as "those who have a degree and are working full time in the field they studied." People who meet those criteria are Autistics it's acceptable to look up to. A spokesperson for an organization using these criteria opined that "anyone can get a degree, but not everyone can work full time," while reiterating that to be a role model an Autistic must be doing so.

Can we see the problems with this?

First, no, not everyone can get a degree. They cost money, they cost time, and universities and colleges are not places that accommodate everyone. Yes, they are required to have a Disability Services department. However, there are some people who are not capable of earning a college or university degree with the offered accommodations-they might have cognitive challenges or learning challenges or an inability to function in the environment. Or maybe some people don't wish to-maybe the stress and the thousands of dollars of debt aren't worth it for them. We don't all have rich families.

Secondly, the criteria of "must be working full time" excludes people who are really worth emulating. Some people, for whatever reason, cannot do 40 hour weeks. Maybe, again, they don't have the stamina to power through an entire week of sensory hell. Maybe what they are qualified for is by nature not a full time gig, or perhaps they are juggling 2 jobs like so many people are lately. Some people make other life choices-some Autistics have children & choose to devote some of their time to raising them. Other Autistics choose the self employment route. And some Autistic people partially or completely rely on SSI or SSDI. Contrary to apparently popular belief, not being able to work (or work enough to support oneself) is not a moral failure. People who get assistance also have worth by virtue of being human.

By the criteria of "working full time in the field one studied to get a degree", almost no Autistic is a role model, and a large number of the next generation won't be either. We are very much an unemployed and underemployed crowd. This criteria set is extremely ableist and classist.

Not only that, but it excludes people not just from the position of mentor, but also mentee. A lot of Autistic kids, right now, they are not going to be getting a college degree, and that's ok! There are a large number of Autistic kids who are going to grow up to receive SSI payments, and that's not a moral failing on their part! There are things some people are not able to do, and that is how it is.

Don't these Autistics also deserve role models? It's so important that our youth who aren't Temple Grandin see that they can have a good, full life within their capabilities. It is extremely frustrating to be told that there's 1 or 2 'appropriate' role models, only to realize that their capabilities and circumstances are nothing like yours. A role model is someone you can look at, say "I want to be like them when I grow up," and then actually be able to do it. 

Don't do our next generation the disservice of leaving them out. Role models come in all kinds, not just traditionally economically successful varieties. Acknowledge the diversity of our stories, embrace the different kinds of success. Not everyone can work full time or have a degree, it's true, but everyone can have a life that is full and meaningful.

AUTISTIFYING MY HABITAT!!

At Autreat I learned that my anxiety & my difficulties with doing things that need done (hereafter referred to as “adulting”) are not things that I have to just live with. Internalized ableism says I just need to try harder, & the attitude of “you're an adult & should act like one” says that too, but let's face it: I am an adult, and that does not mean “I magically have everything together without reminders,” it means “you aren't the boss of me! I can eat ice cream for dinner! I do what I want!”

In keeping with the second, realistic definition of being an adult, I set out to make my apartment and my life accessible to me. I've tried systems like google calendar, and a paper and pencil planner before that, and these just aren't things that work for me-there's too many steps, what with having to remember to put things in there and then having to check it later. If I cannot see it at all times, it does not exist. If it requires me to be able to access a pen or other extra pieces to use it at all, it will not get used because I can't always find a pen. Using what I know about what I need help doing and how my brain works, I set up a set of visual supports. See them below the cut.

There is blood on your hands.

A young man named Paul Corby, aged 23, was just denied a spot on a heart transplant list Change.org petition here. It is probably your fault.

If you donate to Autism Speaks, you are helping them kill him. If you support "awareness," the denial is in part your fault. If you are not actively combating the family centered tragedy & despair model of autism that Autism Speaks, Autism Society of America, & the other Big Autism organizations promote, you contributed to this violation of human rights.

I'm sure you are very offended right now. You're hurt & don't understand how I could think that awareness kills. You are genuinely shocked, apparently, that someone was denied life saving medical care because he is Autistic. I'm not. I can't believe you're surprised, honestly. So let's break it down.

As I have said before, awareness creates a sense of urgency and fear. People are plenty aware of autism. They know that we're 1 in 88-and they have been taught to associate that with things like lightning strikes and car accidents. They hear, from our so called advocates, words like national emergency, tsunami, public health crisis, epidemic. They hear our parents tell the media that we are soulless, that their real child was stolen from them, that we are damaged. The biggest organizations "for autism" fundraise with footage of our parents fantasizing about killing us, and they collect with promises to prevent and cure us. Everyone, everyone, is "aware"-this is what autism awareness is.

They are aware that when one of us is killed, the other unfortunates who are subjected to us rush to defend the murderer. They know that the people who claim to love us, those that claim to know us, those that claim to be experts in us call killing us an "act of mercy", no matter how loudly we protest. Then they move on to demand more services, to declare how expensive and how difficult we are, and yet you are surprised?

The public image that you have very likely contributed to is that autism is about our longsuffering families, about financial burden, about people who are so Other as to not even matter in our own stories, to not even get mentioned in stories of our own murders-when our murders are acknowledged by Big Autism at all. Usually ASA, Autism $peaks and the rest are silent on the matter.

So why are you surprised? This is the natural result of the narrative of burden and tragedy. By convincing them through your fundraisers and charities that we are so difficult that fantasizing about killing us is natural, you have convinced them that denying life saving treatment is the thing to do. That doctor may think he is doing the family a favor because of you. This is the awareness you pushed for in action. Thanks to autism awareness, the general public is convinced we do not have lives worth saving.

Blood is on your hands if you support this narrative. If you have donated to Autism Speaks, ASA, or any other rhetoric of tragedy institution, some of the blame right here is yours. If you actually are one of these organizations, you are using your funds and your publicity machine to feed this poisonous attitude to even more people, and that makes you a mass murderer. I hope you're proud of your "awareness".

Open Letter to the Media in the Wake of the Aurora Shootings

Dear Media,


I am an Autistic adult. In the wake of the tragic shootings in Aurora, Colorado, my community was sitting not only in the sadness that all such tragedies bring, but also in fear and anticipation that once again, we would be your scapegoat. Once again, you would start declaring that we and the killer had the same neurology before the bodies were even cold, before the initial tears had dried.


And again, you did not disappoint. Again, you went to declare the killer mentally ill or Autistic before you even possibly had a chance to talk to anyone qualified to make those calls. Again, you cast yet another layer of suspicion on my community. Again, you made me someone to be feared.


Here's the deal, neurotypical folks of the media: You are far more dangerous to us than we are to you. The mentally ill and the developmentally disabled are far more likely to be your victims than you are to be ours.


Some stats for you, taken from this UK source:

• 10% of convicted murderers had mental health problems.
• 25% of the population has mental health problems.
• 95% of homicides are committed by people without mental illnsses.
• People with psychosis are 14 times more likely to be attacked than to be the attackers.
• 25% of patients with mental illness have been the victim of violent crimes.

Clearly, people with mental illness have more reason to fear those without mental illness. Now, let's look at some developmental disability statistics, shall we?


From The MA government:

• More than 90% of developmentally disabled people will be sexually abused.
• 54% will be sexually abused 10 times or more.
• Developmentally disabled adults have a 4-10 times greater likelyhood of being physically assaulted. 
• 3% of these crimes will be reported.

There are no easily available statistics on developmentally disabled perpetators of crimes, in spite of the media's efforts to paint any and every violent criminal who gets national attention as Autistic.

Let's make this a bit more stark for you. Here is an incomplete list of disabled people killed. Most of the victims on this list are Autistic or otherwise developmentally disabled.

Peter Eitzen, 16, stabbed by his mother, July 2009.

Jeremy Bostick, 11, gassed by his father. September 2009.

Tony Khor, 15, strangled by his mother, October 2009.

Betty Anne Gagnon, 48, tortured to death by her sister and brother-in-law, November 2009.

Walter Knox Hildebrand Jr., 20 years old, died of a seizure induced by his brother’s physical
abuse. November 2009.

Laura Cummings, 23, tortured to death by her mother and brother, January 2010.

Ajit Singh, 12, forced to drink bleach by his mother. February 2010.

Gerren Isgrigg, 6 years old, died of exposure after his grandmother abandoned him in a remote
area. April 2010.

Leosha Barnett, 17, starved to death by her mother and sister, May 2010.

Glen Freaney, 11, strangled by his mother. May 2010.

Payton Ettinger, 4, starved by his mother, May 2010.

Christopher Melton, 18, gassed by his mother, June 2010.

Rylan Rochester, 6 months old, suffocated by his mother because she believed him to be autistic.
June 2010.

Kenneth Holmes, 12, shot by his mother, July 2010.

Zain Akhter, 5, and Faryaal Akhter, 2. Strangled by their mother, July 2010.

Rohit Singh, 7, beaten to death by his father, September 2010.

Zahra Baker, 10, murdered and dismembered by her stepmother and perhaps her father. October
2010.

Chase Ogden, 13, shot by his mother along with his sister Olivia. October 2010.

Kyle Snyder, 9, shot by grandmother. October 2010.

Karandeep Arora, 18, suffocated by his parents, October 2010.

Julie Cirella, 8, poisoned by her mother, July 2011.

Noe Medina Jr., 7 months, thrown 4 stories by his mother, August 2011.

Benjamin Barnhard, 13, shot by his mother. August 2011

Jori Lirette, 7, decapitated by his father, August 2011.

George Hodgins, 22, shot by his mother. March 2012.

There have been murders since the compilation of this list. There have probably been a number  that we will never know about. Nearly without fail the perpetrator is treated as the victim of the person they killed, as a hero for killing us. 


Yet you persist in putting forward the cultural narrative that we are the dangerous ones, both with your speculation that all killers are on our neurological team and with your treatment of our killers.


It is journalistic irresponsibility to do this, and it affects real people. We are the ones who have to live with the stigma you perpetuate. I am at risk of being killed because you tell the population that I am dangerous-despite that I am one of the 97% of developmentally disabled people who has been the victim of non mentally ill, non disabled violent perpetrators. You make the world more dangerous for me every time you do this. You make it more dangerous for my entire community.


We are not your scapegoat, and the trope of the dangerous neurodivergent is not only irresponsible, it is sloppy. Do some real research instead of lazily reaching into the bag of tropes every time someone does something terrible. Statistically speaking, we didn't do it, and spreading the idea that we did has very real consequences that can mean life and death for us. 


Terrifiedly yours,


Kassiane

The Things You Want People To Do To Your Kids

Dedicated to the parents I've come across this week. It's supposed to make you uncomfortable.


Ok, y'all. Let me say this for you, again:

The way you treat Autistic adults, you are condoning people to treat your Autistic kids just like that later.

So, apparently things you want people to do to your children in 10 years or so are as follows:

You want them to hear again and again that only parent perspectives matter.
-That what they have to say doesn't matter because they're too high functioning.
-Or too low functioning.
-Or too "emotional" about issues that effect their every day lives.

You want them to hear that they are a burden
-A disease
-A tsunami
-An emergency
-A threat
-Dangerous
-And you want them to sit there & take it, if not flat out agree.


You want them to hear that they are the worst thing that can happen to a parent
-Life destroying
-Tragic
-Worse than cancer, AIDS, car accidents, lightning strikes
-cause of combat stress

You want them to hear that they have no empathy so they don't matter
-Other not-exactly-accurate stereotypes too
-Because reading your mind is the only meaningful empathy
-Because what is going on in our minds does not matter
-But not agreeing with you is more evidence that we are monsters
-And we must agree that we are monsters
-Otherwise it's more evidence that we have no empathy.

You want people to tell them, time and again that hurting people like them is understandable
-You want people to defend stories of extreme abuse to them
-Even abuse of people they care about
-Or abuse they went through
-Because, you see, being around them is so difficult it drives you to it.


You want them to hear how killing other Autistics is understandable
-"Don't judge" you say
-"Walk in the parents' shoes you say
-All while not even acknowledging that Autistics have shoes
-Much less feelings
-Or ability to see exactly how little our lives are valued.


You want people to treat them as less than human.
-Get a grip, you say, when we have opinions on our lives.
-You're just paranoid.
-You're crazy.
-You don't know what you're talking about.
-Gaslight, gaslight, gaslight.
-But they're Autistic, so they can't interpret their own feelings, you say.


You are giving the world permission, nay, encouragement to physically and psychologically abuse your children. Every time you do that to me, you do it to your child. If you love your child, why are you perpetuating a world in which they will be abused every day just for existing?


Is your sense of self righteous superiority and martyrdom really more important than your child's future?

By Request: Neurodivergent K's Kitchen Adventures!

People think I'm exaggerating when I say I cannot cook. But really, I cannot. Between not noticing I'm hungry until I can barely stand up & difficulty sequencing tasks & a penchant for weird things happening around me, the kitchen is not a safe place for me to try to do shit. I can microwave things. And that's about the extent of what I can do consistently.

For your laughing at me pleasure, here is a selection of stories of my kitchen mishaps.

Anecdote 1:
When I was about 16, I was making macaroni and cheese, because fuck yeah macaroni and cheese. I was taking the pot across the kitchen to strain the pasta & had a partial complex seizure. Somehow during this I managed to spill the water alll the way up my arm, giving myself 2nd degree burns. There was nothing going on to trigger the seizure, I didn't feel it coming, it just couldn't wait 10 more seconds. I still have a bit of discoloration on my forearm.

Anecdote 2:
Many years later I lived at a Y, which had a fairly decent kitchen, and no microwave. We (my friends from the shelter and I) were going to watch a movie in the common area, so we chose to make some popcorn.

Um. So. It's absolutely possible to burn half of the popcorn while the other half doesn't pop at all. Putting butter in? That does not help. I would say it hurts. Setting it on fire may have been helpful in terms of cleaning out that damn pot.

Speaking of cooking at the Y. We tried to make s'mores over the stove (yeah, I'm a rebel...). My marshmallows would not catch fire. The one thing I wanted nice and toasty wouldn't burn. Go figure, right?

Anecdote 3:
My first apartment! The Pit of Despair! It was not a nice apartment, but it was mine! I had a toaster oven, a stove, an oven, and it was kind of a terrifying place. But it's hard to screw up too badly with a toaster oven, right?

Things to add to the list of things I have set on fire: Frozen chicken legs. While otherwise still frozen. It was utterly inedible, because the parts that weren't charred were frozen. This is when I started mostly getting prepackaged food, because seriously? This is getting to be a bit much.

Adventure 4:
Did you know plastic bowls, even those marked microwave safe, they melt.

It wasn't even in there that long-I like to put frozen potatoes, cheese, butter (high fat needs ftw) and bacon in a bowl & let it all melt together.

I don't like it so much when the bowl joins in the melting fun.

And 5:
Other things that can catch fire and be raw at the same time: PANCAKES. Usually I can make a decent, if slightly wrinkly, pancake, but apparently not always.

6:
I posted this one on facebook. Cookies, like pancakes, can be on fire and undercooked at the same time. They were supposed to be chocolate chip, but the chips all melted so they were just chocolate, & it was an extremely smokey fire. Oh. And potholders? They can and will ignite.

7:
This is more like 7-77. I've set the teapot on fire. I've set the burner the teapot was on on fire. I've set a pot on fire. I've set a burner in no way related to the water I was trying to boil on fire, too.

and the most recent:
I am decidedly a firebender, or alt universe Katniss (the girl who set things on fire, rather than the girl who was on fire), or something.

I set a potlid on fire trying to make hardboiled eggs. Granted, the potlid was on the stove. I kind of suck at getting the dial to burner thing right. It was before I had coffee.

Had it just cracked with the heating up and cooling again thing, I'd understand.

But nooooooooo. GIANT EFFING FLAMES! And then it cracked and, while it was supposed to be shatterproof glass, it decidedly shattered, albeit all in one place. None of the shards flew more than 18 inches.

But.

FLAMES.

Activities of Daily Living, ladies, gents, and others: I fail them, unless making fire by boiling water is the newest ADL.

I mentioned a couple posts ago my emoting/sick/other flow chart. And I threw it all sloppylike on my computer. It's sort of this: